Krysta Anderson, Gleaner Writer
Family photos and family dinners are fond memories for the members of most families. But for Cassandra Williamsand Phillip Hamilton, those were just a fa?ade of their broken homes.
"At 15 years old, the extramarital affairs became evident, causing arguments between my parents," Hamilton told Outlook. Hamilton replayed the broken records of disagreements. His parents had reached their boiling point after the father's infidelity was revealed in the form of an outside child. They ended their relationship, but their residence remained the matrimonial room.
This exacerbated the confusion buried in the children's minds as Hamilton and his younger sister were faced with the reality of their living together but not actually being together. "Our house was no longer a happy home. Knowing about all the affairs, I witnessed first-hand our nuclear family falling apart."
He said it taught him to grow up very quickly. "I began boarding at school and, at age 18, after my mother succumbed to her battle with breast cancer and passed away, my father moved out of the family home and moved in with his new girlfriend and her children. My sister moved out after she reached 18. I believed she moved out early to get her own space." He continued, "It did not affect my academics, but my family life was scarred and was never the same. My mother's passing affected everyone, including my father, who was quite emotional after hearing the news."
But he notes, "l love my parents. I was always close to my mother, and I'm close to my father. My parents' relationship has taught me many things. I now have no intentions of marrying or settling down to start a family with a partner anytime soon, as I believed my parents rushed into getting married and their dependence on each other made them separate but remain living miserably under the same roof. Sometimes, it is hard to forgive and even harder to forget. I realise that two people can love each other, but they just cannot be together, because love is just not enough."
The cookie crumbles
Williams got the announcement that her parents were seperating when she was 17 years old. "My parents announced to the family that they would be going through a trial separation. This trial is still taking place, and I am now 25, so I guess it is safe to say that this trial is now a permanent one."
The cookies crumbled for her when it was revealed that her mother broke her wedding vows and was unfaithful to her father. "They lived in the same room, slept on the same bed, with one turning their head to the top of the bed and the other turning their head to the opposite end." It affected her psychologically, as what was once a fun-filled home became a lonely one. Her mother spent more time outside of the house, to avoid arguments, and her father had to live with the fact that his wife cheated on him, a fact, she said, that was not easy for him to come to grips with. "Arguments would often ensue, malevolence would follow, and you could just cut the tension in the house with a knife. I would just leave the house to avoid everything. She sought solace in other extra-curricular activities, which became a coping mechanism for her. "At first, I developed deep resentment for my mother for not only committing a heinous act, but also for being away all the time, and it drove us apart, affecting our relationship in the latter part of my adolescence." She said her parents stayed together for the sake of the children, "but sometimes I just wished they had divorced and gone their separate ways, because sometimes we were forced to choose sides, or the anger would be taken out on us. Quality family time was also spent separately, with only one parent present at a time."
She notes that, years after the separation, she began redeveloping a relationship with her mother. She currenlty has very different but close relationships with both prarents.
Counselling psychologist Howard Gough explained, "It is very hard to determine whether or not a couple has been separated if they are living under the same roof, or to make matters even more complicated, living in the same room and sharing the same bed."
Couple separation
But according to attorney-at-law Sherry-Ann McGregor, "Under Jamaican laws, couples no longer apply to the court for separation orders. They simply live apart (whether physically under the same roof or not) on the premise that the marriage has broken down irretrievably." She notes that, from a legal standpont, "Couples can separate while living in the same house or bedroom. In law, 'separation' does not mean living physically apart. It means that either spouse intends to bring the marriage to an end, and acts upon that intention by changing the way they relate to each other. It differs from one couple to another and may mean the end of sexual relations to one couple or a decision not to wash and cook for each other to another couple."
Gough notes that, "The arguing which ensued between the couples was the sign of an emotionally abusive relationship. This type of relationship displayed in front of the children could have impacted them in different ways. They would either internalise or externalise their situations. It could have made the children socially withdrawn, imploding to cause seclusion and depression, or seriously aggressive, which would result in becoming problematic or even violent."
Gough points out that it would have been better for the children if the couples had moved out of the house, as living together posed complications for all parties involved, not just the couples themselves, but their children as well.
Hamilton admits that, because of his parent's separation, he is not quick to commit, and what he went through might negatively affect his standings with a potential partner, as he may appear too cautious and intimately withdrawn.
McGregor notes that a divorce in Jamaica that costs approximately $60,000 does not have to be a messy ordeal. But she cautions, "Any rights to property either party to a marriage had prior to separation are not extinguished by a decision to leave or remain in the family home."
Names have been changed to protect identities
krysta.anderson@gleanerjm.com
Source: http://jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20130505/out/out6.html
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